Women have an almost extra-terrestrial ability to transmit neurological signals through space with a single piercing look. It’s called the Evil Eye, and both children and grown men live in fear of it. My wife, Nancy, has perfected the use of her Evil Eye, which can deliver up to 500 volts of “You better watch your ass†with a range of up to 300 yards in clear weather.
She used it extensively when we sang in the choir and our children, out on the congregation, began to act up. With one dagger-like shot the kids twitched as if receiving an electrical jolt and immediately sat up and behaved. One Evil Eye blast could last through even the longest sermon and through the benediction. It was something to behold.
Unfortunately, I have often been the recipient of the Evil Eye during our marriage, and there is no immunity nor cure. Each Evil Eye is devastating, demoralizing and intense to the point of almost wanting to make yourself succumb to any and all of her wishes. Almost. Like the convict holding his breath in the gas chamber, you try to resist, but ultimately you are overwhelmed by the kinetic force that leaves you wondering, “What just happened?â€.
The Evil Eye often comes when you least expect it, but usually after you unknowingly break rules which only the Evil Eye is aware of – innocent acts like flipping the bird as you finally pass the little old lady who was driving 35 in a 55 zone with cars backed up for 2 miles. Ordering a third bourbon and ginger at Bonefish will for sure trigger the Evil Eye as well as running out of propane for the grill in the middle of a cookout for the Women of the Church. Or seeing a young lady at the beach with a very modest bikini and innocently admiring her tan lines. That’ll get you about 500 kilotons of intense Evil Eye.
Scientists at Cal Tech have been studying the Evil Eye Syndrome for years with little progress because as soon as one of them gets close to an antidote, his wife shoots him the Evil Eye and it’s back to ground zero.
Face it guys. We’re doomed. The Evil Eye is always watching.