I mowed my onions today, and such a shame. It looked like a bumper crop on the way. I don’t grow grass very well, probably since I have not fertilized since Spiro Agnew resigned as Vice President. Fertilize? Why encourage the little green pests? At least once a week, I’m out there pushing away with my mower, getting the grass under control when I could be out on the golf course making a … [Read more...]

When we had twin grandsons, I discovered something called “twin speak”. Twins often communicate with each other in words and sounds that they can understand, but others can’t. Jamaicans also speak that way – it’s their dialect and when visiting their interesting island, I learned a little about how to speak in the Jamaican dialect. For starters, almost every conversation and sentence begin … [Read more...]

I come from a long line of pyromaniacs. One of my earliest ancestors, Grog Brewer, was a Southern Neanderthal. It is written on some cave walls that he discovered grits and flint stones with which to start fires. After Grog had invented grits by grinding corn, he needed a way to cook them so they wouldn’t get stuck into what few teeth he had. That’s when he found a sharp flint stone and tried to … [Read more...]

  It’s the most stressful day of the month. It’s C. L. Day, the day the Cleaning Lady comes to our house. A week before C.L. (Cleaning Lady) Day, my wife hands me a list of chores. It reads like this.   - Clean off the top of your dresser and dust it. - Check under the bed for house slippers and any dust bunnies. - Take out the trash cans in every room and clean them with … [Read more...]

  (This message comes to you from GRITS, “Girls Raised In The South”)   As I sat at the Waffle House putting salt, pepper, and a little Tabasco on my grits, I couldn't help but see the young lady sitting a couple chairs from me dumping half a cup of sugar on her grits. What? Am I eating them wrong? I had to look it up and thought you'd enjoy reading what I learned about … [Read more...]

I have a personal flotation device – built in. It extends outward from the middle of my torso several inches. It has expanded greatly since my weeklong cruise where I ate any and everything in sight and gained 7 ½ pounds. Some would crassly refer to my PFD as a “gut”, but I prefer a personal flotation device - a much less crude description. I discovered the value of my PFD when we took a dip in … [Read more...]

Christmas season is upon us. The reason I know is that every night there are Hallmark Christmas movies on TV.  If Nancy beats me to the remote control, that’s what we watch. Often, the movies are about Princes and Kings in little known European countries who end up falling for and proposing to ordinary American women who then become Princesses and Queens. And it happens almost every … [Read more...]

  We well remember the funny words our children said as they learned to talk. Angelin said, “bisticks” instead of “biscuits. Laura said “grips” instead of “grits” and my son Jimmie had an extensive dialect. He called buzzards “bustards”, he referred to roosters as “doodle-o’s” He referred to fish as “sous” and he called pineapples, “apple pines”. Nancy and I still use those words in … [Read more...]

… [Read more...]

… [Read more...]