Four times a year, an average man is called upon to do something completely foreign, a task at which he is ill equipped. At Mother’s Day, on his Anniversary, at Christmas and on his wife’s birthday, the average man must gift-wrap presents.
First, the average man must come up with the proper wrapping paper. Bat Man and Robin gift wrap paper, for example, is not considered appropriate to enclose an anniversary gift, so the average man must go to the store to buy some, where he discovers the exorbitant price that a store asks for a roll of paper not longer than six feet. It apparently comes from ancient papyrus found in the interior of the Ark of the Covenant which was then hand-painted by blind children from Pakistan.
Gathering up scissors, ribbon, scotch tape and his roll of very expensive wrapping paper, the average man – being a frugal fellow – carefully cuts the paper so that not one inch will be wasted. However, cutting straight lines has never been one of the average man’s great strengths. Just ask his kindergarten teacher. The attempt at cutting the paper at a 90-degree angle is off a bit – more like 72 degrees, and the average man now discovers that the paper does not completely cover the gift box he has selected. This calls for a cut and paste job to cover up the bare parts of the gift box. Small bits and squares are positioned on the bald spot and with approximately a foot and a half of scotch tape, the box is now completely covered and considered wrapped.
But there is more.
Gift wrapped presents require bows, which come from spools of ribbon which have no beginning and no end. The average man keenly examines the spool of ribbon trying to find an end, and there is none, so he decides to make one and cuts the ribbon right in the middle, then pulls off a foot of ribbon and now discovers four ends, so he ties the ribbon together with little square knots and deftly secures it around the wrapped package.
The average man pulls the ribbon tightly, then tries to tie a quick knot before the ribbon knows what is happening. But the ribbon is smarter than the average man and becomes loose before the knot is secured. It so loose, in fact, that it slides off the box while the average man is admiring his handiwork. Another 2 feet of scotch tape is applied at various points on the box to secure the ribbon – whether it likes it or not – and the average man hopes his minor gaffes won’t be noticed.
When the big occasion arrives, the wife of the average man looks with confusion at the gift box with patchwork wrapping paper, and six feet of knotted ribbon secured with mounds of scotch tape applications.
“Must have got smashed at the Post Office!” the average man says, and then counts his blessings that her birthday is still two months away.