They finally got James Bond. Maybe it was Dr. No, but probably Goldfinger. Yes, James Bond died this week. The real and only James Bond – Sean Connery. The others were imposters. They were like Mall Santa’s. Sean was the real deal. I read my first Ian Fleming book back in college. I had seen a review in Playboy Magazine (I only bought it for the articles). I couldn’t put the book down. Just … [Read more...]

  I’d like to meet him someday - the Strawberry Packer, a man of immense skills. The Strawberry Packer is in charge of distribution, to make sure that the strawberries are properly sorted in each 16-ounce container. If every strawberry in the carton was perfectly ripe and juicy, then customers would come to expect that and would surely end up disappointed. But the Strawberry Packer … [Read more...]

  My wife Nancy has become quite the “canner”. We have more Mason jars in our basement than Wal-Mart. Regularly, Nancy cans jalapeno peppers, tomatoes, pickles, doorknob peppers, pickled okra, beets and whatever our gardens produce. She is also into jams and jellies and recently put up 9 pints of peach preserves that are simply delicious. She calls it her “Liquid Gold”. Really … [Read more...]

(This has been around for a while, but it’s too good to print only once, y’all.) There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. Who wants to live up north? Nobody would buy the magazine! Southerners know everybody's first name: Honey  Darlin'  Shugah Southerners know their three religions: Bapdiss  Methdiss  Football Only a Southerner knows how many … [Read more...]

I am going to be rich. We’re talking “Buy-a-100-foot-yacht” rich. I suppose I’ll continue doing Cville Buzz, but just for fun. I won’t need any revenue. Rich! I’m going to be really rich. This morning when I went out in the back yard, I saw one chipmunk chasing another chipmunk. Chipmunks are fast as it is, they can haul chipmunk ass. But when one chipmunk is pissed about something and … [Read more...]

There are two types of motors. Those that don’t work now and those that soon won’t work. The Johnson’s, Mercury’s, Evinrude’s, Suzuki’s and Yamaha’s of this world are all the work of the devil. When you most need one to function, it doesn’t. Like on a balmy day on the Chesapeake, drifting along for flounder, not a care in the world. You turn the ignition on and the engine fairly purrs. You … [Read more...]

  Having too much time on your hands is not a good thing. For example. I had ordered 5,000 meal worms for my bluebirds and they came in a vented box with a bunch of cardboard to separate the layers. I inspected the contents and all looked well, except…. How do you know if they really sent you 5,000 mealworms? If they only packed 4,900 that would be a 2 percent shortage and if some … [Read more...]

  Bob Hope lived to be 100. He died 15 years ago, but he will be remembered as a man who really made a difference, entertaining our troops on foreign soil for over 50 years. Below are some of Bob’s memorable one-liners.   On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. He replied: "Surprise me." On Turning 70 - "I still chase women, but only … [Read more...]

  First they cancelled school. Next thing you know, they cancelled March Madness. Certainly they won’t cancel grocery store visits. Will they? Fifteen minutes later, I was in my car headed to the closest grocery store, which happened to be a Food Lion. When I arrived, I found a whole lot of other folks who also thought they might be canceling grocery store visits because of this cursed … [Read more...]