I have a sure-fire way to secure our borders and prevent anyone from entering our country illegally.
Make them go through customs in Jamaica.
“Okay you guys who have just waded across the Rio Grande, you can stay here in America no questions asked. But first you have to clear customs at Montego Bay.”
To clear customs, you would first have to have a passport, which means going to the Post Office and then waiting three months. That alone would eliminate most intruders. Who wants to ever go to the Post Office?
But for the die-hards, the real troopers, a trip to Jamaica is necessary and only the fittest survive.
When you land in Jamaica, some 20,000 potential tourists are herded like cattle at a Chicago stockyard to a dark, dingy room about the size of a Hilton Banquet Room, and then proceed through approximately 20 miles of mazes. The first leg takes you to the pre-check in point where you wait for an open machine to enter your information. If you are lucky, there will be a 12-year-old somewhere close by who can operate the machine. Otherwise, you’re on your own. You enter information such as passport number, country of origin, age, sex (if known), home address, where you will be going, how long you will be staying and who won the 1936 World Series. Then you have to take a picture of yourself which should somewhat resemble the one on your passport. When I finally figured it out, after three failed attempts, the camera got a side shot of me saying, “What the ….?” It wasn’t a bad picture, though.
Then on to the next maze, this one taking you a Jamaican government employee who did not get his morning coffee and was ready to do battle. He checks out your passport and the information you just gave to a machine, comments on your side profile picture and shoves you into the next line of mazes. At this time, with the loudspeaker playing Mozart’s Requiem Mass in the background, you realize that the last time you used the bathroom was in Miami. Interestingly, the Jamaicans have positioned all their toilets only after you have passed through customs, which can be a problem for men over 60. I would advise anyone going to Jamaica to forego both coffee and beer for at least three days before departure. Either that or bring an empty one-liter water bottle and hope for understanding neighbors in your line.
The endless mazes continue to baggage claim and ultimately you are shoved out the door onto the street where dozens of buses await.
And naturally, there is a line to the buses and more forms to fill out.
About this time the would-be illegal immigrants would say, “Screw this. Let’s go back to Nicaragua, overthrow the government, and establish a capitalistic society. It would be quicker.”