The Charlottesville Branch of the Division of Motor Vehicles is seeking a qualified individual as a Front Desk Service Associate to replace Isabel Fang, a longtime DMV employee. Isabel had to leave DMV because she got into a fight with a seeing-eye Pit Bull dog accompanying a blind customer trying to retitle his car. Isabel beat up the Pit Bull pretty badly and the Animal Rights people demanded her resignation. So we had to let her go. Replacing people like Ms. Fang is not easy.
We are looking for a uniquely qualified individual with a specific skill set. The individual we seek must be – first and foremost – rude, insensitive, arrogant and sarcastic. A chip on the shoulder is desired, but not critical. That quality will come in time. The ability to work well with the public will not be tolerated. We test for that.
DMV will train the prospect in the “Take A Number” department. In our highly sophisticated system of dealing with the gullible public, we require that they take a number to stand in line in order to get another number to stand in the real line and then sit down and hope for their number to be called.
You will also be required to be proficient in knowing which forms to give to which people. You will be taught never to give the correct form to a customer on their first request. You should make them go through at least two lines before telling them they have the wrong form and the correct one is currently not available.
DMV is a most desirable place to work since the general public is not allowed in the building without first calling in a request for an appointment to be able to begin standing in the various lines. We make them stay in their cars in the parking lot waiting for their number to be called. Sometimes it’s fun just to let them wait in the parking lot for a few hours, then tell them they lost their place in line because they did not respond when called. We have ourselves a lot of laughs that way. It’s also fun to tell old people they flunked their eye tests, then snatch away their licenses and watch them cry. Most don’t live very long after that, so you don’t have to worry about them coming back.
If you think you qualify – if you’re a mean, angry, obnoxious son-of-a-bitch – you’ll find a rewarding career awaiting you at Charlottesville’s DMV.