Last Saturday morning, and for no apparent reason, I could neither send nor receive E-mails. No problem for this Boomer-type computer whiz. I did what all good Geeks do. I turned the computer off and rebooted (that means turning it off and starting again for those out there who are not computer whizzes). Still, no E-mails.
Alright, now for the serious stuff. I “Force Quit” the damned thing and told it to “Quit Mail”.
“That’ll teach it to screw with me!”
But still no E-mail.
So then I picked up my lap top and shook hell out of it.
That didn’t work either, but it made me feel better.
And still no E-mail.
My E-mail account is G-mail, which I think belongs to a fellow named Google. I don’t know his first name, but he is a nosey bastard. He knows everything I do and everything I like.
The other day, Mr. Google asked if I had bought that Senior Shaft golf driver I have been looking at. I suppose he could see the drool on my computer screen.
“No, I have not, and it’s none of your business.”
“It’s a nice club. Might get you an extra ten yards off the tee?”
How did he know I’m short off the tee?
The next day he wanted to know if I needed any more barbeque sauce.
“Only if it’s Carolina sauce.” It was and I bought three bottles.
But now this nosey son of a gun has cut off my email. Why?
“Because you’re using too much data space. Did you know you have E-mails on your server dating back to 2013?”
I explained that I couldn’t erase them because they sometimes brought back fond memories.
“If you don’t reduce your capacity by 20,000 mega-somethings, we’re going to cut you off.”
So I deleted most of my E-mails from 2013.
Still no E-mail,
Finally we arrived at the crux of the matter. If I paid Mr. Google just $2 a month, he’d give me more capacity and let me read my E-mails again.
“I’m going to call Allen, Allen and Allen,” I threatened. “ Don’t you hate those guys?”
“I’ll cut them off, too.”
I have now erased all my E-mails since last Tuesday, I bought the Senior Shaft driver, more barbeque sauce, paid Google $2 and I can now send and receive E-mails.
But I am getting 10 more yards off the tee!