A brief history of the perils of mankind.
The cavemen had woolly mammoths, Goliath had David, Roman gladiators had their arenas, Europeans in the Dark Ages had the Black Plague, cowboys had Indians and Baby Boomers had roller skates. Probably more concussions, broken arms, twisted ankles and general states of embarrassment were related to roller skates than any other hazard Boomers have faced before or since.
Roller skates! What a god-awful invention. Yet, every Boomer had a pair of roller skates and not one pair ever fit snuggly on a human foot.
Roller skates used a series of clamps and vise-like devices to secure the skates both length- and width-wise to a shoe. The shoes had to have soles. Tennis shoes didn’t work. The adjustments were then made with something called a skate key.
No matter how tight, no matter how meticulously the skates were adjusted, the fool things would fly off at the most inopportune times, sending young Boomers sprawling in all directions.
Eventually, Boomer parents figured if they ever wanted grandchildren, they had to hide the skates – or equally effective – hide the skate keys.
There were also lots of skating rinks in those days – places where young Boomers could make total fools of themselves, especially the boys.
Girls, somehow, had it in their DNA the ability to put on roller skates and remain for the most part in an upright position. Not boys. We had no experience with skates or skating rinks. Sometimes we’d trip and fall down on dry land with regular sneakers. While strapped into a pair of roller skates, and on a rink with concrete floors and brick walls and no helmets, mind you, young Boomer males dropped like flies.
My first experience at a skating rink was in Beckley, WV. Beverly Weiner, a certain 5th grade girl I had a crush on, said she and her friends were going to the skating rink on a certain Friday night, and I was invited to join in the fun.
Fun? After lacing up the rented skates, I had to cling to the walls and railings in order to even reach the rink, then went down hard after one attempt at using rollers instead of actual feet. I crashed that night more than a cheap computer with a weak Internet connection. My young body was bruised almost beyond recognition. It was embarrassment personified.
Roller skates date back to the 18th century. A guy named the Marquis De Sade marketed the first pair. Technology progressed such that Roller Derby was actually a televised sport in America and California girls were all (some still are) addicted to the hellish footwear.
For the most part, skating rinks today have gone the way of passenger pigeons. The insurance rates for rink owners require Warren Buffet-type money. But some are still around.
In my opinion, it is infinitely safer to run with the bulls in Pamplona that to strap on a pair of roller skates and try for one lap around the rink.