I hate to brag, but I have developed the act of slicing a golf ball into an art form. For the uninformed, a “slice” is when a golf ball is struck solidly, but rather than continue through the air in a straight path towards the hole, the ball goes the required 50 yards, then bears hard to the right seeking the trees, tall grass, sand bunkers, water or any other obstacle along that side of the fairway. If every hole on a golf course was a sharp dogleg to the right, I’d be on the tour. They would name a major tournament after me. Rory McIlroy would be a nobody. That’s because no one can hit a slice like yours truly.
Some of my regular golf amigos ask just how I am able to perform such an athletic move. “Show us how you do it, so we can do exactly the opposite,” they say snidely. They’re just jealous. To put that kind of spin on a golf ball with a 42-inch club is a natural wonder.
Here’s how I do it. First, I only wear Foot Joy shoes and I always put the right one on first. That’s important. Next, I only use white golf balls. The orange and green ones don’t slice as much. I think the actual dimples in those colored balls are embarrassed and won’t perform properly.
Also, always sit on the passenger side, the right side of the golf cart, never drive. That’s vital to a chronic slicer. The grip is likewise important. Always put both hands on the club. You can’t really put a good slice on a ball with just one hand.
Some foolishly say that your stance can affect whether or even if you slice the ball. Rubbish. I have been known to aim directly back towards the cart path to my left, give the ball a good whack and it still curves enough to find the rough on the right side of the fairway.
It’s important to admit that you are a chronic slicer – there is no sense in taking lessons, buying new clubs or reading all those Golf Digest articles. It’s a waste of time. Slicers are born that way. They didn’t choose to be slicers, that’s just how it is.
In the meantime, I have learned how to actually slice my putts, which comes in handy when one of your playing partners refuses to mark his ball.
Slicing. It’s what I do best.
