This Boomer looks back on Christmases Past like Ebenezer Scrooge encountering one of his ghosts. Three words come to mind. Some Assembly Required.
You see, I was a young parent in the early 1970s and
had a daughter, Angelin, who asked Santa for a complete kitchen set. Stove,
refrigerator, sink and cabinets. Santa didn’t have the good sense to tell her
this was impossible since Santa’s sleigh was not equipped to handle assembled
toys. Rather, they came in boxes, with instructions written by someone who
lacked even a pea for a brain. What’s worse, yours truly is likely the most
inept person in the northern hemisphere when it comes to tools and fixing
things. I once tried to replace the innards in my commode that was leaking water,
and I was under such stress, I thought I was having a heart attack. Really. I
went to the Emergency Room and the doc said, “Take two Valiums and never try to
fix a toilet again.”
He should have advised against assembling kitchen sets, as well.
Yet, here it was, Christmas Eve. The children were all nestled, snug in their beds while visions of “Some Assembly Required” danced in my head.
Some assembly, my ass! There were at least a thousand metal pieces, some marked, some not and the instructions were in French, or maybe Portuguese. I began at midnight and finally by 4 am, the complete kitchen set was finally able to stand on its own. I’m not sure if it was assembled correctly, but it was upright, like most kitchen sets. Duct tape is amazing.
With two hours’ sleep, my wife and I were awakened at 6 AM by the pitter-patter of little feet, eager to see if Santa had indeed come. Angelin rushed in and “ooh-ed and aah-ed” over her kitchen set, and due solely to the grace of God, it did not crumble and fall to the floor when she opened the oven door. She played with the kitchen set for about ten minutes, then spent the rest of Christmas Day working her little puzzles that came in wooden pieces.
Today, I am older and wiser. If it isn’t already assembled, I don’t buy it. Good luck, young parents, if there is Some Assembly Required this Christmas Eve.
