What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: “Whack…Damn!”
A bad Skydiver goes: “Damn!…Whack.”
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You know you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
An Irish golfer was playing the Royal Dublin course on vacation, and while playing, he made a hole-in-one. With that, a leprechaun jumped out from behind the trees and said, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. You made a hole-in-one and I’ll grant you any wish.”
The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me weeny a bit larger?”
“Wish granted.” says the leprechaun, and he skipped away.
By the time the golfer got to the 14th tee, his member was hanging below his shorts. He continued his round and when he reached the 16th hole, it was dragging along behind him. By the 18th, the wish-granted golfer could barely make it to the green.
The Irishman then went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix the problem. He was told that legend had it that you had to go back and make another hole-in-one to see the leprechaun again.
After purchasing ten buckets of balls, the golfer made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until he at last made another hole-in-one.
Again the leprechaun appeared.
“What’s it this time?” asked the leprechaun. “Want your weenie a bit smaller?”
“No,” the player responded, “Could you make me legs a bit longer?”
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging one of us to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack, even though he was now a senior golfer, was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Cardinal Nicklaus. “Second?” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?”
“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi McIlroy.”
It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning to visualize his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the ladies’ tee please back up to the men’s tee.”
Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.
A little louder: “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”
Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”
“You think so much of your old golf game that you don’t even remember when we were married,” said the pouting wife. “Of course, I do, my dear – it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.”
Which is the easiest golf stroke? The fourth putt!
During a Pro Am, Arnold Palmer’s partner asked, “Well Arnold, what do you think of my game?” “It’s OK,” said Arnie, “but I prefer golf!”