Everything in golf has its place. There are rules, there is proper etiquette and there are many unwritten rules – such as don’t throw your caddy in deep water if he can’t swim. There are also unwritten rules about how to organize a golf bag, unwritten at least until now. So here goes.
A golf bag is more than a piece of nylon with holes and pockets to store clubs and equipment. A golf bag is like your buddy in a foxhole. It sees your potential, not you your golf score, and stands beside you through slices and shanks, through yips and whiffs, through water hazards and sand traps. It is imperative to treat the bag with all the respect you would show for the starter at Pinehurst Number 2.
Most golf bags you see will have three sections, one for irons, one for woods, and one for whips and rods with which to thrash your golf cart partner if he says one more word about your inability to drive it past the ladies’ tees. The new whips and rods have regular shafts, senior shafts and ladies’ shafts so you can properly smite the big-mouth bum. Some like grips on the whips and rods while others prefer the hand-to-hand combat feel of just thrashing bare-handed.
TaylorMade has an inexpensive tool for belting your partner called The Hybrid Rod. It is quite versatile. In addition to pummeling your partner, it can be adapted to poke at balls lodged under logs in the woods. It is also useful fending off the swarm of hornets buzzing from the nest you just uncovered with your blast out of the rough, and when waved menacingly and accompanied by ape-like grunts, it can be a subtle reminder for the foursome ahead to putt the damned ball and move on.
In lieu of whips and rods, is also acceptable to put perfectly useless clubs in that third section – clubs like a 1-iron, a 2-iron, any of the hybrids and your putter.
Some of the bags actually have a pocket for every club. The advantage of this feature is to help you realize that you left both your pitching wedge and your putter back at Number 5, where the voluptuous beer cart girl with the halter and short shorts gave you your $5 change back from the $50.
On most golf bags there are multiple pockets: One for golf balls and the rest for whatever you might have at the time. I like to keep ice skates in the big pocket on the side with the long zipper. Some day when I am playing winter golf and the lakes freeze over, I will be able to get out the skates, zoom across the pond and retrieve my Chrome Soft Callaway. As soon as I learn to skate, that is. I am going to take lessons. My golf instructor thinks there must be some sport I can master.
It is also acceptable to keep genuine golf accessories in the various pockets – things like tees, ball markers, repair tools, extra pencils, and a slide rule to help you determine exactly why you can’t hit your drives past the ladies tees.
Some place a pint of good bourbon in one of the pockets in the slim event that you blast a drive well beyond the ladies’ tees and your partner says, “Nice shot.”
At times like that, a little drink is in order.