It’s not really about the game of golf. The reason grown men go gaga over a round on the links is the opportunity to drive a golf cart.
For me, it all started when I was 6 years old and saw an electric car in the Sears catalog. It was $29.95, a king’s ransom in those days, but I begged Santa Claus to bring me one for Christmas. Christmas came and went and all I got was a red tricycle. Since that time, I have hated the color red as well as anything with three wheels. But I, and thousands like me who never got that special Christmas present, still have a thing for electric carts. It’s the power, it’s the freedom, and it’s the chance to outrace your hated opponents to the next tee box.
Golf carts are wonders of modern physics. Unlike a lawn motor, you don’t have to pull a rope to start it, and unlike a car engine, you don’t even have to turn the keys. The golf cart uses mental telepathy, awaiting your command. A gentle touch on the accelerator and off she goes. Put your foot to the floor and it’s every golfer for himself.
And best of all, the golf pros don’t make you wear any dorky-looking helmets, even though they may be a good idea for some of the Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s on the golf circuit. Instead of all these charity tournaments when people play golf to raise money, they should have golf cart races instead. Even I would enter that.
“Gentlemen, start your golf carts! And they’re off. Cart 19 takes the lead going towards hole Number 1, with Cart 64 on his bumper. I think he’s drafting to save electricity for the back nine! They’re coming into the second turn, neck and neck. Oh no! The 52 Cart is in a bunker. His pit crew is trying to dig him out. Too bad, Cart 98 is in the pond. He missed the dogleg to the left. I think he’s using a hybrid 4-wood to paddle out. No, it’s a seven wood and he’s sinking fast. Bad club selection.”
The way I see it is if you can’t afford a golf cart, you shouldn’t be out there losing golf balls in the woods and ponds. Some say they pull the carts for exercise. Right, and I suppose they buy Playboy magazines to read the articles.
Unfortunately, golf carts don’t come with user manuals. The golf people must figure everyone is born with the inherent ability to navigate a cart. The first time I rented a cart was a little embarrassing. I was playing a course in Myrtle Beach with my college roommate, who knew less about golf carts than organic chemistry, a course he failed three times. Not paying much attention, I put the nose of the cart up against the side of the shelter on hole 16. I knew how to go forward, but no one said anything about reverse. Do you know how heavy golf carts are? Inch by inch, we tugged and pulled and finally got the cart turned enough to continue. Fifteen years later someone told me about the reverse lever beneath the seat. That beats lifting and carrying golf carts by a long shot.
Still, I love golf carts. As long as I can drive.
