The most dreaded words a golfer will ever hear are these: Cart Paths Only! As much as a golfer hates to hear this directive, the golf shop guys – sadists that they are – love to tell incoming foursomes of their impending doom.
“Sorry fellows, today it’s Cart Paths Only! Har-har-har-har!”
Cart Paths Only is like a life sentence without parole to a convict. It means that instead of a 3 ½ or 4 hour round, 18 holes of golf will consume 6 to 8 hours and there will be actual exercise involved for the day. Hit the ball, hike across the fairway, hike back, hit the ball again, hike across the fairway – and repeat the process for 18 holes.
The Cart Paths Only decree comes generally because of a heavy rainfall the day before. The fairways get a little soggy and the golf course superintendents don’t want their handiwork destroyed by a half-ton Yamaha golf cart.
But often, the pro shop guys – pissed because they can’t be playing that day – order all carts on the paths after even a heavy dewfall. Meanness runs in their blood.
“How about the ninety-degree rule instead?” pleads for the councilor representing the golfers. “It looks dry out there to us.”
The ninety-degree rule is bad enough, having to drive back and forth across the fairways at ninety-degree angles throughout the entire round instead of just moseying down the fairways.
“Can’t we please have a ninety-degree rule instead of ‘you know what?’”
“No chance!” the judge of the pro shop court decrees. “It’s Cart Paths Only today and probably tomorrow.”
Murphy’s Law of Golf states that when it’s Cart Paths Only and the cart paths lie typically on the right side of the fairway, a golfer will duck hook every drive, resulting in hikes across the fairways so long that energy snacks may be required to complete the journey. If the cart paths happen to run along the left side of the fairway, it means the golfer will slice every drive, even if he swings inside out.
That’s why the evil pro shop guys love to punish us with the dreaded words: Cart Paths Only!
