The golf pros endorse this ball or that one because they perform better on the greens. The greens? When the pros speak of greens, they mean hitting the ball close to the flagstick on no worse than the second shot. It sometimes takes me that many to get to ladies tees. They also may suggest another brand because it goes high, spins on command, rolls for a hundred yards after it lands and never leaves a scuff mark.
All that is well and good for the pros, but duffers aren’t interested in all that stuff. Personally, I want a ball I can find once I hit it. I think a good ball should have a GPS system built in so you can track it down.
“I think it flew over this broom straw patch and settled in that blackberry thicket,” a sympathetic player might advise.
“Naw, it didn’t go that far. His shots never go that far,” says another antagonist.
With the GPS system, you can find the ball yourself. Follow the tiny bleeping noises and you’ll see it resting nicely on top of a …oh no… a hornet’s nest!!
“Run away! Run away!”
Another useful quality of any golf ball is that it behaves itself and responds to verbal commands. If you can train your dog to sit, stay and come, you should be able somehow to teach a golf ball to do the same things.
Like on a skull shot across the green, which just misses the knees of your golfing partner.
Bite! Bite! Bite! Stop, dammit, stop!
Well, it doesn’t of course. The ball skips across the green into another deep bunker without paying you a bit of mind. But why can’t they develop a ball that will obey its owner, especially on putts. The balls should know after you have contorted your body into a pretzel that you want the ball to break to the right at the hole. Not the left.
Pay attention, ball, or next time I’ll toss you in the lake before I even hit you in that direction.
Won’t somebody please design a golf ball for duffers?