(This message comes to you from GRITS, “Girls Raised In The South”)
As I sat at the Waffle House putting salt, pepper, and a little Tabasco on my grits, I couldn’t help but see the young lady sitting a couple chairs from me dumping half a cup of sugar on her grits. What? Am I eating them wrong? I had to look it up and thought you’d enjoy reading what I learned about grits.
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed (According to Southern Georgia)
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single grit. Most of the world’s grit mines are in South Georgia; and are guarded day and night by armed guards and large dogs. Harvesting the grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic grit. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer’s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits (Remains only a rumor)
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies and was kept from the public due to it’s rarity.
The next mention of grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman’s personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman’s name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
Recipe
For one serving of grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 T of grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That’s all there is to cooking grits
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits
How to Eat Grits (You really should)
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do not use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grits to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough, so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is coffee. Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it’s Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits (Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish. Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the grits into squares and fry them in 1/2’” of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto grits served this way. This is, of course, totally unacceptable, but delicious.