I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!
The kids text me “plz”, which is shorter than please. I text back “no”, which is shorter than “yes”.
I don’t trip over things. I do random gravity checks!
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
When did it change from “We the people” to “Screw the people”?
Why do I have to press “one” for English when they’re just going transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came for.